Phases of boob

The free-flying boob

Conducting a 7am weekly shop at Tescos with a buggy in one hand and basket in the other could be considered horrific enough at the best of times. Damn, your wrists get sore, wrestling with both of those things simultaneously. And you’re so, so tired.

However, you know you’ve reached the very lowest echelons of the dignity register when it’s only halfway through the return journey back home you realise your right boob has been bobbing around, flying gloriously free from the constraints of your maternity bra under your t-shirt the whole time.

And you’re actually not really all that bothered, waiting until you have to stop to cross at the lights anyway before whipping it back in and hoisting it back up a good two inches to sit level with its mate. No wonder that dude in the vegetable aisle was so eager to help you pick up your oranges.

The drooping boob

Even if you’re a naturally buxom wench, you will not believe the difference in size breastfeeding will make. This is a whole new ball game. Or melon game.

Investing in some sturdy maternity bras will make your life so much easier – and minimise the effects of gravitational pull.

And do not let your first visit into the office to show off your drooling pride and joy be marred by a remark by a male co-worker about how you’re not looking as perky as usual, coupled by a knowing glance towards your chest area. Sigh.

The mismatched boob

Unless you have been surgically assisted or are miraculously blessed, you will have already been living with mismatched boobs your whole life.

For most women, this is just a fact and the difference does not usually require you to buy two separate bras of different cup sizes and sew them together to create a Franken-bra.

(I did not actually do this although I was tempted several times, but the thought of all that sewing was just too exhausting.)

Obviously as each boob fills up again with milk after each feed there will obviously be times when one is more full – and bigger – than the other.

So the mismatched boob scenario will happen, but it’s not the worst of the phases of boob and can be managed pretty easily by switching boobs between feedings (if you can actually remember which one he was on last).

The over-full boob

Possibly the most disconcerting one of all,when you’ve not had your little vampire attached for a while and the milk just kind of builds up with nowhere to go. So your boob goes hard and lumpy and really quite sore.

Not the most pleasant of sensations and very difficult to imagine unless you’ve experienced it. Can be relieved by pumping or hand expressing (useful if you’re out of an evening and don’t have room for a pump in your bag).

Pumping is a whole other world of pain, best saved for another time...

With the over-full boob, it’s probably better to not invite total strangers (or even people you know quite well) to “feel how hard it is”.

I’m sure they will believe you.